am I still smiling? I can't tell anymore

The past few days have been extreme ups and downs. I'm rushing a sorority. Yes, that's right. Why you may ask? Well...I seemed to have an abundance of time last year, most of which I spent sitting in my dorm room watching movies or talking online. I was involved in a few clubs and the like, but nothing that I could really dive into and get super involved in because they were small clubs or didn't take much root with the majority of USC so the events weren't very well attended. I wanted to have a group that had a lot of activities and would take up time so I could have a good mix of class, homework, and being out doing something rather than sitting like a bump on a log staring at this infernal screen. Plus, I like the activities. They do events to raise money and meet people which I'm interested in. I feel like the time has come to be social or else I will fall into the black hole of art and only do art and never speak or look at anyone. And then die alone in an apartment somewhere with one hand grasping a charcoal stick and the other holding a computer mouse or a zip disk. And I'm not even talking about that sugary sweet, cheerleader, "omg I absolutely must have this $5000 dollar Prada handbag", head up their ass type of being social, but just getting out there and meeting people and getting exposed to new things.

Anyway, so the rush process is a little intimidating and greuling. The first two days we walked around and toured nine houses, and talked to 3 or 4 girls from each house. After this 4-5 minute conversation, they can judge your personality and decide whether youd be good in the house and fit in with the girls and all that. I didn't like this phase. I met too many girls, don't like talking about myself all that much, but overall felt like I had some really good conversations. This is where the tricky part is because I thought i got along really well with some girls, but ended up getting cut from a few of those sororities. Go figure. I don't mind much though. I'm not taking it personally, its all a matter of finding the one I'll be most comfortable in anyway. I have pretty much narrowed it down to two houses which I'll have to decide between over the next two days: Alpha Chi Omega and Alpha Delta Pi. After you leave a house you have to watch the girls as they do this crazy chant about their house and wave like lunatics, but it's kind of endearing in a way. And yes, if I am ever forced to chant and wave and dance around, i'll understand if you want to take embarassing pictures...in fact I expect it. Today was better, I was a bit disappointed at only going to two houses, but I had a great opinion of both afterwards and today was "house tour" day so it was a little less pressure to just talk about yourself cuz we got to walk around and view the rest of the house. Each night we have this late, midnight meeting with our advisor to set up our schedule for the following day and then go home to catch up on sleep and mend our broken egos. So that's been rush so far. I'm looking forward to hopefully (crossing my fingers) getting a bid to the one of my choice and getting rush over and pledging beginning. Now...off to bed for another day of rush. Tomorrow is slight show day where the houses show off a slide show of pics and all their pride activities. gnight!

I-I thought you liked Frog's breath

I'm sitting here at my computer and sipping on a green apple milk tea boba. Life couldnt be much better. I used to go to this one boba place on Vermont Ave., but I have found an even better one on Figueroa that makes the best green apple milk teas you will ever have. I guarantee it.

I'm so wiped out. Today was the first day of classes here at USC. My day started at 8 am where I had to run over to the Greek Life office to get some plaguing questions answered. Then, I had my French class. I'm incredibly excited about taking French, seeing as Japanese turned out to be a bust and I think French is romantic. After today I can now say my name in French..thrilling, no? I have a language requirement of 3 semesters with the 3rd semester scheduled to cut right into my abroad semester in England, but I figure they've got to have a French class out there of that equivalent. It's a pretty generic language. My teacher seems super nice and reminds quite a bit of a ballet teacher I had when I was in high school.

After French, I wandered campus aimlessly until my Politics and Culture of the 1960s. Even after attending this school for a year, I cant find my way around sometimes so I spent 15 minutes lost...trying to find the building. The teacher seems nice enough, if not a bit jittery and short of breath. The class will cover the civil rights movement, the rise of psychedelic drugs, popular music, Vietnam and all that awesome (or not so awesome) stuff that went on during the era. But the best part of the class was an incredibly gorgeous boy who sat in the front row. Too cute. I might just have to sit in the same row next time.

My design class is going to be incredible. I sat in on this class when i came to visit the school as a senior and always hoped I'd be in it someday and now here I am. We have some cool projects in store this semester and I'm sure at least one good portfolio piece will come out of it. Our next homework assignment is to just gather any kinds of images or advertising that we think is cool. The teacher is a Pasadena Art Center graduate and an artist working in the field which really helps. She showed us her sketchbook and blew me away. She was telling us that she likes to go to the laundromat and draw people. Not just how they were though, she looked and them and decided which decade she thought theyd fit it, then drew them like that. Motivated me to go to the bookstore tomorrow and buy a sketchbook...even if I cant draw. I wonder if the kids down in the laundry room would mind if I drew them.

Anyway, Ive been reading some friend's blogs who have or are just about to move and start out as college freshmen this fall. Most people have been saying how sad they are and how they feel like it's not going to be the same anymore, which is exactly how I felt last year. But really, college is amazing if you go into it with an open attitude. Not only do you get to meet some incredible new people, but you also keep the friends you had before. You talk to them all the time, visit if you can, and when everyone is home again for summer you still have the kind of dynamic you had before. It's hard to believe right now with everyone scattering and it feels like everything you know is being ripped apart, but college is definitely a place to find yourself and I wish all of you about to set off good luck and lots of fun along the way.

hah, I see you have a sword. I have one too. Theyre very manly and tough.

Move-in week has done a number on my nerves. Last year's move-in was the worst. Living with 7 random girls I didn't know really freaked me out and the night before I went I was so nervous that I gave myself a panic attack. There really was no need. This year's completely different because I have already established friends at school and I know the girls I'm moving in with so there's no surprises. Just a lot to get done. Running around campus to get books, hooking up all my cables, organizing clothes, driving the 40 minutes back and forth to USC, figuring out rush information, meeting up with high school friends to say goodbye for the year and simultaneously getting together with the college friends I haven't seen all summer. It's still a hard thing to say bye to my wonderful high school friends, but it's not infused with the doubt as to whether I'll ever see or talk to them again or whether our relationships will change a ton over the year. I've been through this and to my surprise have stayed close with pretty much everyone I wanted to.

My apartment is lovely. I feel very grown up. What's nice about it is the people I live with are neat, clean, and quiet so I'll always have that study quiet time or the "hang out, relax, and watch movies" time, but I can go out and meet up with my friends who are loud and crazy and will go to parties with me. It's good to have the two separate entities to retreat to one or the other. I went out on Thursday and had a Suite 4002 reunion with all the girls I lived with last year. Stopped by DTD, which i hung out at on many a thursday night last year, and saw some guys I remember and who remember me which was nice. I miss the seniors from there who graduated. They were my favorite, and a great group of guys. I've always had a thing for guys a few years older. It's great to see my suitemates again. They were hanging out with some freshman girls who previewed in our suite last year and ended up deciding to come to usc. It's strange to see them. They seemed so young. And it's not like I'm claiming to be so much more mature or older or cooler, because I'm not. I suppose I'm just more comfortable in my own skin this year and I remember what it was like to be that unsure of myself. I would agree with those who say that one really matures more in the first year of college than any other year. Hopefully I'll keep experiencing new things and facets of who I can be this year.

The more I think about it, the more I want to head toward music design. I can't think of a way to design that is more creative and fun than that. I get really excited at the thought of promoting and creating an image for artists(thank god i declared that advertising minor) and being able to meet that kind of talent. I have 3 more years, so who knows what will come along and pull me in one direction or the other, but for now this new direction has got me ready to dive into my design courses this year. Classes start monday...dang. I look at some people who don't know what they want to do, and it makes me feel incredibly lucky that I found something in high school I can be this passionate about. And college has made me fall into it even more and my love for it has grown and I really feel that this is what I'm meant to be doing. Went to yet another concert at Amoeba last week, this time Rilo Kiley was performing. To my misfortune a really tall guy was standing right in my view so i couldnt see much of anything except the bass player every now and then when he appeared from behind the loud speaker. I wasn't aware of a lot of rilo kiley stuff before the concert, as sadly is the case in most of the concerts I go to see and then end up loving the bands later. It was a good concert nonetheless. The acoustics in there are hideous. Very tinny and the vocals were pretty much drowned out by the strength of the instruments.

I want the rest of the girls to move in and start making our apartment cozy. Megan and I are all moved in, but the other room is pretty much deserted until tomorrow. I'm off to spend the day at disneyland with my family, here's to the start of a hopefully amazing new school year.


I'm listening to the Garden State soundtrack which along with The Shins two albums, Elliot Smith, and Jon Brion has been on constant rotation in my cd player.

I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way

The swelling in my tongue is starting to go down now. I think before I got it pierced I took solid food for granted. Since I got it done I've only been able to eat pudding, and grits, and have recently moved up tp noodles, fruity pebbles, and scrambled eggs. The swelling is going down finally and the piercing looks like it's healing nicely so I'm guessing I'll be able to chew more solid food in a few days. I was amazing though at how much it did not hurt when I got it pierced. I ended up having my eyes closed the whole time, but id say its the least painful piercing out of the eyebrow, the belly button and the ears that I've done in the past. That's not counting the healing part though which is by far the worst because it's given me a stupid sounding lisp and the inability to chew. I've gotten some interesting looks and comments too such as "How're you gonna kiss someone with that in your mouth?" Hmmm, interesting question indeed. I think I'll manage.

Yesterday was excellent. I went vintage/thrift store clothes shopping on Melrose and found a very adorable blue striped skirt. As soon as I got it home though the zipper broke so I had to drop it off to get fixed. Nonetheless, I love it and even though I didn't find anything else, the shopping was worthwhile. There are 2 types of vintage from what I've seen. First, there's the kind that you might see at a garage sale. The funky pieces that are slightly damaged or are buried amidst tons of other clothes that are hideous looking...like buried treasure. You've really got to search through all the junk to find a piece you can work with. But when you do find that piece, it's more worthwhile cuz you won't see someone else walking around with it. Then there's designer vintage where the pieces are all gorgeous and interesting, but are priced insanely high and sort of defeats the purpose. We went into this one store, American Rag, and i notice a peacoat going for $548. I mean, unless you're a celebrity or really well off there's no way youre gonna pay that much for a peacoat. The shopping trip threw me into a vintage/thrift store fury though and I want to change my wardrobe. I always want to do that. I wear comfort clothes...meaning jeans and a tshirt that's usually a size or two too big for me. Not exactly the type youd see walking down the street and think they have that funky edge to them you want to imitate, but maybe that can change, eh?

Next was a trip to Amoeba records where PJ Harvey was performing a set of angry girl rock to promote a new record. I have to admit I wasn't a huge fan before yesterday. Not because I heard her stuff and hated it, but because I had only heard one song and didn't have much time to judge. But I went anyway cuz I thought it might be a cool experience. It was much more crowded than I expected and everywhere we went the bouncer/amoeba employees told us couldn't stand there because we had to keep the aisles clear for people to walk through. So we shuffled all over before we found a place near the back. A giant speaker (which i dont think was JBL, those bastards) was blocking my view. Amazingly, Jon Brion walked right past us and stood to watch the concert a few rows away. Damn. I spent the rest of her songs staring straight at Jon Brion like a crazy person with my mouth hanging open (which seems to be the only thing I can muster when I'm around him) rather than the stage. He was headbanging a bit which was cute. I hope I run into him more often. I say that like i actually talk to him, which I probably never will. I have to admit I have a tiny bit of a thing/crush/fancy for him (understandment) and plan on going to his concert sometime next month. But it really made my day. Oh, and I walked away with "Her Majesty", the Decembrists album I've been wanting.

Saw Garden State at the Arclight. Wonderful theater but FAR too expensive. I ended up pay $11 dollars for a movie I had already seen once before, but I had a good time so I guess it's ok just this once. Go see it, seriously. Zach Braff is a very awesome young man and I guarantee you'll enjoy the movie if you're looking for a good drama/finding oneself flick. Even if it is about fucking New Jersey.


Got me a pair of green converse sneakers...yeah.

So my mom is randomly ok with things today as she has had a night to sleep on it and think things over. She talked to me today about it and said that it was ok with her as long as she didn't have to go with me or look at it all the time. I'm gonna keep it as hidden as possible from her. So I carry on with the plan tomorrow. yikes!

Oh dear, why do they still treat me like a child

This is my first taste of extreme disagreement with one of my parents. I have been abnormally lucky these past 19 years to have parents I've considered as two of my best friends and confidants. I've enjoyed talking to them and going on a bunch of trips, etc, but I find that relationship getting proded a bit when I talked to my mom today about a piercing. A stupid insignificant piercing. People I have talked to said "Don't worry about it, just go and do it and don't even bother telling your parents. Youre over 18." But that isnt something I can do. The tattoo and piercings I got before went over fine and I talked to my parents before each one. I guess I've prided myself on being able to have an open dialogue about them and eventually coming to an agreement. It didn't work out as well this time though. I put together a packet with tons of information, safety precedures, and the like, got up the guts and talked to my mom about it. She freaked out beyond my expectations. Said that I could do it, but that she hated it so much and didn't want to see me ever if I did, and was almost on the brink of crying, then got so angry that she lashed out all day at my brother and dad. She seemed to take it as a personal attack against her. This sucks. So obviously I said I wasnt planning on getting it done after that, but this is my first experience with being torn between really wanting to do something and wanting not to piss off my mom. I think Im starting to realize the hard time that some of my friends have with their parents. I just hope this one works itself out. I guess I won't make a big deal out of it, don't want to fall into that ridiculous trap of teens who blow everything out of proportion.


For now, I've baracaded myself here in my room with the computer (as only a true computer nerd can) and then will be out with friends so hopefully by the time I get back this will blow over.

When youre only one of the things in his dream

"Too often the shrinks assume an eating disorder is a way of avoiding womanhook, sexuality, responsibility, by arresting your physical growth at a prepubescent state. But more recently, some insightful people have noticed that some of us may be after something quite different, like breathing room, or, crazy as it sounds, less attention, or a different kind of attention. Something like power. An eating disorder appears to be a perfect response to a lack of autonomy. By controlling the amount of food that goes into and out of you, you imagine that you are controlling the extent to which other people can access your brain, your heart. You also throw the family into turmoil, neatly distracting them from their endless bickering, focusing their worry on your "craziness" while you yourself saunter off stage left. The shrinks have been paying way too much attention to the end result of eating disorders--that is, they look at you when youve become utterly powerless, delusional, the center of attention, regressed to a passive, infantile state. The end result is not your intention at the outset. Your intention was to become superhuman, skin thick as steel, unflinching in the face of adversity, out of the grasping reach of others. 'Anorexia develops when a bid for independence on the part of the child has failed.' It is not a scramble to get back into the nest. It's a flying leap out.

And no, it doesnt work. But it seemed like a good idea at the time. You don't just get it, the way you just get a cold, you take into your head, consider it as an idea first, play with the behaviors awhile, see if they take root. And the sharp hiss of one voice that started out softly as though below layers of moss, or flesh, and gradually became so loud it drowned out everything else: Thinner, it said, youve got to get thinner. But you know, even then, that word was wrong. It is more than Thinness, per se, that you crave. It is the implication of the thin. The tacit threat of Thin. The Houdini-esque-ness of Thin, walking on hot coals without a flinch, sleeping on a bed of nails. You wish to carry Thinness on your arm, with her cool smile. I fell for the great American dream, female version, hook line and sinker. I, as many young women do, honest to god believed that once I Just Lost A Few Pounds, some how I would suddenly be a New You. I would have Ken-doll men chasing my thin legs down with bouquets of flowers on the street, I would become rich and famous and glamorous and lose my freckles and become blond and five foot ten. I would wear cool quasi-intellectual glasses and a man's oxford shirt in a sunny New York flat and sip coffee and say MMMmm and fold my paper needly. I was on a mission to be another sort of person, a person whose passions were ascetic rather than hedonistic, who would Make It, whose drive and ambition were focused and pure, whose body came second, always, to her mind her "art." As soon as I left my hometown and lost a few pounds."

--Wasted, by Mayra Hornbacher



exactly

I don't usually leave the asylum in the middle of the night

For some reason the pictures that I post here are only visible to some people, some of the time. Huh. I don't know enough about html or action scripting to figure this out and will ask someone who knows more soon, but until I figure it out I think if you are seeing just a red X, you can right click on it and save it to your desktop and then just open it from there. In the past when I've tried to do that, it usually works. Someone try it and tell me if it works.

Anyway, the above pic is of Jon Brion who I went to go see perform at Largo on Friday night. What an incredible show. I loved the atmosphere and Id have to rank this concert as one of, if not the best concert I've ever been to. Im planning to go back august 13th and then a lot throughout the year. The opening act was a magician/comedian who ended up mooning the audience at the end of his act. Lovely. The owner of Largo, Michael Flannigan, who is extremeley Irish called me a "wee girl" which I attribute to my wearing braids that looked like Heidi or a little girl of Swedish decent. Good idea to make myself look even younger in a crowd of 20-somethings who I already feel too young and uncool to be around. Jon Brion drinks guiness like a fish which is endearing and hilarious. He must have downed like 6 or 7 glasses during his 2 sets. When he played it was the kind of thing where I was sitting in awe the entire time with my mouth hanging open. I was pretty amazed at how quickly he could pick up a song. And he could play almost anything. For part of the night, the audience would throw out song suggestions and requests, and he would choose one and just go with it and blow everyone away. He rocked some Beatles tunes too which is always a plus. The main thing that got to me was not only the quality of his music, but also the passion in which he embraced it. I've never seen someone like that. It's kinda stupid sounding, but I really wish I could be that talented and that passionate about something in my life so that people actually are drawn in just by how much you care and are wrapped up in what you are doing and the effect it has on you personally. Especially if you have a fuck the world attitude in that you are doing this just for you and youre presenting it to others but the main focus is the power it has over you. Not music necessarily, anything. Oh, so I've shifted a bit in my goal for after college cuz of recent concerts Ive been going to and also realizing how cool music is in general and how I'd like to be connected in some small way to that. SO...I was thinking I would try to go into music design. Work on staff at a record company as a graphic designer, create cd booklets and record covers, maybe do websites for various artists, and promotion. I mean, there's someone out there behind the musician that is creating the image of that person, their feel, and manipulating how they are portrayed. I think that would be really enjoyable. I always had that in my mind as a possibility even though I was geared more towards a film company.


There was some mild drama at Steinmart involving me, so I was thrilled it was my last day. I'm not going to go into detail, just that it's good that I wont have to face some people there for a long while, if ever. So that chapter is closed.

I slept over at the castle house last night that Amy was house sitting at, and stayed up into the wee hours of the night debating political issues. Wild and crazy nights, eh? I am such a dork. Save me.

Now off to the Getty Museum to be inspired by famous works of art. yay for 15th century religious iconic art and symantic perspective.

Well, after this I shall think nothing of falling down stairs

Finally! Today is my very last day working at Steinmart and I couldn't be happier. Working at a place like Steinmart has shown me more than ever that I want nothing to do with business or corporate life. I hate it. Trying to push items on people and dealing with issues like store displays, inspections, sales,inventory and business finance is so completely opposite than what I'm attracted to. And don't get me started about that fucking elevator music they play all day in there. Gag. I could care less about linen displays and 30% off sales. I'm attracted to creativity and art and technology. So now I feel extremely pleased that I chose the career and major I did. I think if I was in business management I would be burned out within 3 years after college. I move in the week of the 18th, and today is only the 3rd, but I figured this was as good a time as any to quit. Overall, it's been a really good place to work, boring but good. I made some friends which I didn't expect to happen, but I think I'll stay in touch with a few of them and maybe they can even come visit me at USC. Im figuring I made about 1,400 dollars for the summer, which when you think of it on the larger scale is pretty meager, but its what I anticipated and I didn't spend a penny of it so it's all in checking. And I know exactly what I'm going to use it for. I've put a lot of things on standstill since I've been working so much and I'm looking forward to getting a little time to do the things I've had in the back of my mind this summer and will definitely not have time to do once school starts. Here's what I would like to do with my last two weeks

1) learn dreamweaver! Very important. My goal at the beginning of summer was to learn it and create some kickass websites, but things got in the way and I didn't have time to work on it. I ran into a guy I know when he came into Steinmart and he works at 20th Century Fox. We talked for a bit and he mentioned that they were looking for graphics students for internships and basically offered me or hinted at an upcoming internship position. He said he was gonna give us a call, I hope he does because entertainment design is one thing I'd like to do after college and an internship at Fox would look wonderful on an entry level resume. Damn, I seem so manipulative. But really, I would enjoy the internship because any chance I get to work in design seems exciting to me. It's not only about having something to put on a resume, it's more just getting the chance to work in it.

2) read? Haha, yeah. For some reason I have a hard time reading in bed. If I read right before I go to sleep, it takes me forever to fall asleep. My mind seems to wake up after that and I just cant sleep. But yeah, there's a list of books about a mile long that I want to read. Still havent even opened the Da Vinci Code, which I hear is excellent but I'm a little behind the times on that one as everyone has read it and already discussed it. I've read and looked through a bunch of design and art books but I need other material. I fear I am quickly becoming a one dimensional person. Not really, but ya know. You need other interests besides your major haha, which I have obviously have, but still.

3) learn a bit o'guitar. I've wanted to learn for a while and never really put in the effort, but I'm newly instilled with a drive to learn a little (seeing as I know nothing about it). My brother is starting lessons tomorrow. yay! He's self taught and over the past few years has gotten very good and hopefully I'll be able to pick it up too. I wonder if I could audit the guitar class at USC. Brigitte is taking it, maybe the teacher will be lax and I can just tag along and absorb everything. I don't have much musical talent as of now, I don't think flute in 5th grade, the rubber band/shoebox guitar I made when I was 4, or the recorder in 3rd grade really counts (but I could play a mean "Whole New World" recorder version).


Oh shoot, I've gotta run or I'll be late for my last day of work. I do hope to write more broadly on topics of interest, not just "here's what I've been up to today" which I know bores you to death but I havent updated in so long and I've been pretty much wrapped up in work. But as soon as I find some interesting things to post about soon, I will.