There must be more than this provincial life

WARNING: The following post contains serious introspection and probably doesnt interest anyone else. If you read it and get pissed off cuz it's all about my own thought and worries, I warned ya. hehe.



I'm looking back on my year since the school year is almost over and I'm not sure I'm happy with it. Perhaps I'm just in a bad mood this evening, but I'm really upset at where I'm heading. Yeah, academically, school has been very good. I enjoyed my classes and actually learned a whole lot about design and religions and writing which was the goal of the year above all others, but socially I'm not pleased with the way it worked out. College is vast. I had a conversation with jessica tonight about how all of our high school friends are having really different experiences away at school. Some people have sort of dropped off the face of the earth and i'm sure are enjoying whatever they are doing. Some have gotten really involved in school activities and are always running around to different events. Some are loving their friends and don't even want to come home for breaks. I don't really fit into any of those categories and I have mixed feelings about it. After hearing tha,t I started feeling really shitty and asking myself all sorts of questions... why haven't I found my exact niche yet when so many others apparently have? Why haven't I completely made that leap over into independence and adulthood that apparently so many of my friends have done with ease?

They are really troubling questions and can get me down b/c I get to thinking that I haven't lived up to the standard of what I am supposed to be doing in college. I have a few friends here who I love, but not so much that I want to be here every day year round hanging out with them and not wanting a break. I can't relate. I don't understand what that feels like. I'm a very individual person and can truthfully only put up with people for a few days at a time without going somewhere for alone time. A haven for me is my family. I love spending the day with them or going to a museum or an art function or disneyland. I had a really happy time during childhood and when the time came this year to come to collge I was excited but not feeling that here was my big chance to prove just how independent I am. I didnt need that proof, ya know? I trust it happens in it's own time My brother and I get along wonderfully now that we're older and I feel that my mom truly is my best friend and one of the only people I can spend all day with. haha, or as anne of green gables would say "kindred spirit." I'm so thankful for that kind of relationship and I don't like being made to feel bad about it....and truly no one does that to me but myself. But i mean, I did have some REALLY fun days out with suitemates at parties or with art friends exploring LA...or at least explore as much as you can explore a city you've lived in for most of your life so that was good. I am not super involved this year, but will probably be much more next year when i rush a sorority. I can't wait to get more involved with something....anything! Now though, I look back and wonder if that is what I'm supposed to be doing when everyone else has such a radically different experience. Can you really judge your life by the way others live it? My gut says no, but i still do it I guess and it brings me down when i don't live up to it.

I get really nervous sometimes that I'm not doing this right, but really who's college experience is this supposed to be? Not anyone else's. Just mine. But somehow I try to remember that college is a time when people are finding themselves, and if there are already values that I hold really important...or maybe not values but just things about myself, traits, that I like already and feel comfortable with then it's not necessary to turn the experience into anything that doesn't fit with that. It wouldn't be true to what's already heavily ingrained in me. It's been said that people go through these radical upheavals in personality, trying to find the real "them" when after the four years they realize that who they really are is just about who they were before. Enough of that. To all of you who are just as confused and fuzzy as I am, i wish you the best of luck.